The WTF File

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It’s Oh So Quiet

By M Davies   /     Jan 03, 2015  /     The WTF File  /     0 Comment

I’ve been on a vacation from work since 12/31 which continues until 1/6.  I didn’t get much time off over the last few months because I was rationing and was out of time.  It’s my own fault, and I fully take the blame.  Shit happens, and etc.

 

While I was mid-REM cycle on 1/1, social media bombarded me with questions about what caused the loud noise in the Wyoming Valley.  Huh?  What loud noise?  I was out cold.

 

Apparently, around 2pm EST on 1/1, there was some loud noise that rocked the Wyoming Valley.  Like I said, I wasn’t awake.  I didn’t hear it and did not see anything.  I was just thankful to have the opportunity to catch up on some much needed sleep.  My husband said he heard a loud bang and went outside to investigate.  The below is a contrail photographed from our backyard (which made it to the 4pm news on WNEP).  Whether or not the contrail is related to the noise remains to be proven.

 

IMG_9798

 

I am by no means an expert.  My most logical guesses for the source of the boom would be:  gas company related, sonic-boom, fireworks, or mass hallucination.  Again, I’m thankful for being asleep for this.  Of course, the conspiracy theorists are already having their field days.  To each, his own.  See Harold’s post here for more details.

 

I will leave you with this article from The Sunday Independent.  I don’t remember what year that it appeared because like an idiot, I forgot to write down the dates when researching, but APPARENTLY, my Great-Grandfather and Great-Uncles witnessed a UFO from their porch many years ago as well as several others in the Wyoming Valley.  COINCIDENCE?  I THINK NOT.  #IWANTTOBELIEVE

 

ufo

 

Bless my relatives.  I love them, but they didn’t know any better back then.  There was no Google or Facebook conspiracy theorists.  And for that, I wish I could hug them from beyond the grave.  More than likely, it was probably a meteor shower or something of that nature.  Calm down everyone.  There’s a logical explanation for this “flying saucer” sighting and the big boom I’m sure.

 

PS – Did this post sound bitchy?  I honestly didn’t mean it to be.  I’m a sarcastic ass.  It’s my nature.  Sorry.  Here’s an awesome Bjork music video to help you through it.

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Locked out

By M Davies   /     Dec 08, 2012  /     The WTF File  /     5 Comments

Ok, I’ll be honest.  I’m kind of embarrassed to tell this story.  I’m sure some day I will look back at this post and laugh, but today is not that day.  Please only laugh and point at me behind my back and not to my face.

 

We decided to have Thanksgiving at my house this year for Rich’s side of the family.  I thought it would be fun.  I must have been crazy or drunk at the time…or both.  Don’t get me wrong, we did have a lot of fun on the day of the dinner, but I sort of kind of underestimated how much work it would take to prepare the dinner and the house for company.  I have very limited time during the week as it is, when you add on trying to clean an entire house, cooking, kid wrangling, etc….it becomes quite exhausting.

 

To start the planning for the party, I created a list of things we needed.  The things that were on the list included 12 wine glasses, various food items, decorations, etc.  Where can you get all of this stuff under one roof, hmmmmm?  If you guessed the evil “W” word, you were correct.  I planned a trip to Wal-Mart, but because I hate the riff-raff that congregate in the Wilkes-Barre Wal-Mart, I decided to trek up to the Tunkhannock Wal-Mart.  They are both about the same distance away from my house (20 miles/30 minutes).  I left in the early evening on a night I had off from work.  The sky was just starting to dim because the sun is now setting earlier with the change in seasons.

 

My strategy is when shopping usually to park as far away from the store as possible, so no one will hit my car.  When I arrived at the Wal-Mart, the store was pretty empty, so I got a semi-close spot to the store.  I don’t think that the Tunkhannock Wal-Mart gets nearly the same amount of people as the Wilkes-Barre store since it is a more rural section of NEPA.  I parked the car, grabbed a cart, and started checking off items from my list.

 

By the time I got to the register, my cart was full.  I paid for the order (which was….well over a hundred dollars) and proceeded to push the cart out into the parking lot.  If you are a regular blog reader, you’ll already know that my car is the size of golf cart, so fitting all of these bags in my car was going to take some effort.  I popped the trunk and started to put in what I could fit, which wasn’t much because I still had a box in there from BlogCon.  I left the trunk open and started to place some bags on the passenger side and in the back seat.  Within no time, and some elbow grease  I had everything carefully loaded into the car.  My car was packed to the gills.  I stupidly decided to place my purse on my front seat while I closed the trunk and pushed the cart back to the corral which was next to my car.

 

Big.

 

Mistake.

 

I’m still trying to figure out how or why this happened, but as soon as I closed the trunk, my car auto locked.  Oh yeah, and by the way, my car keys and phone were sitting in my front purse pocket on the front seat of my car.  I tried to open the driver and passenger side doors about 3 times a piece just to be sure I wasn’t imagining this.  I wasn’t.  Oh….fuck….

 

There I was.  Locked out of my car, at Wal-Mart of all places.  My own personal hell.  This is a nightmare coming true.

 

I sighed deeply and began the defeated walk back to the store.  There was nothing else to do but venture over to the Courtesy Desk.  Of course, with my luck, there was a line 4 people deep waiting to return stuff.  COME ON PEOPLE!  THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.  When I finally got to the desk, I explained the situation to the clerk on duty.  She must have thought I was deranged, but agreed to let me use the store phone to call my husband.  At this point, you’d think the story would be over.  Oh, she called her husband, he came to unlock the car, story over.  Think again.  Wal-Mart in Tunkhannock cannot call Sweet Valley or Wilkes-Barre cell phone numbers because they are considered long distance thanks to….BIG RED TELEPHONE COMPANY.  I had to use the clerk’s cell phone (a Tracphone, which she wasn’t sure if there were enough minutes or battery life left on).  I accepted the cell phone and attempted to call my husband.  The phone rang 4 times and went to voicemail.  GREAT.  He never answers if he doesn’t recognize the number.  I left a voicemail and hoped to god he checked it ASAP.  In the meantime, I went back outside to check the doors and trunk another time.

 

Still locked.

 

After an eternity later (read: probably only five minutes), he called back thinking the clerk’s cell phone was the Wal-Mart store number.  He said he would leave immediately to come and unlock my keys.  Thankfully, there was a spare key fob when I got the car.  However, that would be at least 30 minutes until he arrived.  Now what?

 

In the first 10 minutes, I alternated walking inside and sitting outside waiting for him.  In my mind I knew he wouldn’t be there that quickly, but just in case he figured out how to teleport himself to the store, I wanted to be ready.  After my dreams of teleportation ended, I decided that I should go and walk around the store inside and stay warm.  There had to be something to occupy my brain for the next 20 or so minutes.

 

Let me just tell you how awkward it is to walk around the store with no phone, no purse, no money and no way to get home.  I would imagine how it would feel to be broke and homeless.  I started out in the frozen food section and eventually made my way over to the soups.  I looked at all of the products thoroughly and then realized I was starving.  I was wearing no watch, but figured it must be at least 5:30 or 6pm by this point.  We were planning to go out and eat dinner after I got back, those plans were blown out of the water.  Then I started reading labels.  Holy god.  Frozen/prepared food has a lot of fat and calories in it.  Of course, that got boring after a while.

 

After that, I decided to look at CDs.  Yes, they still actually make those antiquated things, believe it or not.  There were some really good CDs going for 5 dollars.  Queen’s Greatest Hits?  Yes, please.  I would have totally bought that if I had my wallet.  Then some other CDs that made me shake my head.  Justin Bieber?  I think not.  I walked over to the mobile/computer area and the first thing that I noticed was that the Tunkhannock Wal-Mart does not have a tablet section as the one in Wilkes-Barre does.  Maybe only stores within certain revenue brackets can sell higher end stuff?  Oh, and the cell phone cases.  Let me just tell you about the cell phone cases.  There was 1 shelf of normal cell phone covers, but a whole display of camo covers.  We’re not in Kansas any more, Honey Boo Boo.

 

Next, I ventured over to the toys, and looked at those for a good 5 or 10 minutes.  Can you believe they brought back Furbys?  Can you further believe that you can download an app to control said Furbys?  I couldn’t on both accounts.  Also, what the hell is a Fijit?  Best I can tell it is a higher tech version of a Furby.  That thing is creepy.  The way it talks reminds me of those two blobby things from the Herculoids.  It kind of looks like them too.

 

      

 

Don’t ask me how I remembered that.

 

I was just starting to check out the Christmas CDs when I was paged to the front of the store.  I have never ever been paged in a store before in my life.  How embarrassing!  I met my husband and kids at the front of the store just in time to save my sanity.  It really depressed me how many untalented musicians have holiday albums.  I was about to walk over to the health and beauty section and rip open a package of razor blades to slit my wrists.

 

I explained to my husband what happened, but by that time I was tired.  And annoyed.  And hungry.  And grouchy.  And my back hurt from my choice of footwear.  I just wanted to go the hell home.  So I did.  By the time I got home and we got dinner started it was 8pm.

 

Some safety features on cars are just a little TOO safe for my liking.  I learned a valuable lesson that day and that is, always carry a wire hanger on your person.  You never know when you’ll need to break in to your own car.

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The mystery sunglasses

By M Davies   /     Sep 16, 2012  /     The WTF File  /     0 Comment

A few weeks ago, a pair of women’s sunglasses mysteriously appeared on my kitchen counter.  I didn’t know who they belonged to, so I figured I’d leave them there and maybe they’d disappear just as mysteriously.  They didn’t.

 

I inspected the sunglasses more closely and they were definitely not mine.  I know this because they are expensive.  They are Dolce & Gabanna sunglasses.  It’s not like I can’t afford expensive sunglasses, I probably could….I just have no luck with sunglasses.  I’m always losing or breaking them.  At first, I considered the possibility that they could be knock off glasses, but I googled the difference between knock off and non-knock off sunglasses.  These babies are legit.

 

I decided to ask my daughter about who the sunglasses belonged to.  She told me “Daddy said they were yours.”  I then said “No, they aren’t mine!”  And she said “But Daddy said they were yours.”  And then I said “Nope.  Still not mine.”  I’m not above fighting with a 7 year old at 6 in the morning, in case you were wondering.

 

In the following days I questioned Rich about the glasses.  The conversation went something like this:

 

Me:  “Who’s sunglasses are those?”

Him:  “Aren’t they yours?”

Me:  “No.”

Him:  “Oh.  Hmmmm.”

Me:  “Yeah.  Hmmmm indeed.”

 

He then asked a few friends and relatives if they were missing sunglasses.  Everyone said no.  We haven’t been able to determine who’s glasses these are to date.

 

Of course my response was:   “WHO’S GLASSES ARE THEY?  WHO ARE YOU SCREWING WITH EXPENSIVE GLASSES?”

 

Just kidding.  As long as she keeps leaving her expensive accessories and clothes behind in his car, I’m ok with it.  Just kidding again.  But seriously, I could use a new purse.  *hint hint*

 

Probably the most likely scenario is that they belonged to the previous owner of the jeep.  They probably had fallen under a seat, or between the cracks somewhere.  It’s just odd that it took this long to find them.

 

Needless to say, someone else’s loss is my fortune.  I cleaned up the glasses and am using them as a spare set.  FINDERS KEEPERS, LOSERS WEEPERS, MOFOS!  Mature?  You betcha.

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My new luxury golf cart

By M Davies   /     Aug 06, 2012  /     Annoyances, The WTF File  /     0 Comment

Welp.  My suspicions were correct.  Something was majorly fucked up with my Versa.  A day or two after this post, a co-worker and my husband both noticed that my car was leaking oil in a major way.  Fan-fuckin-tastic.  I had even less time to work with trading my car in than I had initially thought.

 

As you know, I put down a deposit on a car at Wyoming Valley Motors.  In the meantime, I decided to shop around.  I stopped at a Fiat dealer after work on that Wednesday.  Car shopping all day Tuesday left me with a bad taste in my mouth, and I had a slight attiude when I walked into the car dealership.  The sales person seemed uninterested in my business.  I responded by threatening to walk out of the damn place.  After the pissing match between the two of us was over, I decided to test drive a Fiat 500 through Archbald.  I ended up really really liking the car.

 

Since it was getting late, the dealership decided to work up some numbers and check my credit and call me back the next morning.  The next morning, I received a call to let me know that my crappy-ass credit qualified me for 0% financing at 60 months or 1.9% financing at 72 months.  Honestly, I think I was paying about 8% financing on the Versa.  It was already a win in my book.

 

Now it was just a matter of finding the model and color I wanted.  Easy enough right?  Wrong.  There are seriously about 8 million different colors (interior and exterior) and models to pick from.  I finally found a gray model with dark leather, a sunroof, rims, and a back-up cam.  It soooooo reminds me of my old VW Bug.

 

(side by side)

 

      

 

I signed the papers on Thursday night, I ended up sticking around at the dealership until well after they closed (9pm).  They were very accommodating and helped me move the contents of my car over to the new one.  I forgot that I left the sledgehammer in the trunk.  That was interesting to explain, believe you me.  The guys invited me to have a beer with them in the parking lot in celebration and soon after I pulled away in my new “luxury golf cart” (my friends words, not mine).

 

Friday was the day I was scheduled to pick up the VW Jetta I had picked out at Wyoming Valley Motors.  I called to let them know I purchased a vehicle elsewhere.  I had no remorse as I got a better deal (1100 more dollars for the trade-in) and better financing.  However, WVM was very upset.  All that I really cared about was getting my deposit on the Jetta back.  They were more than happy to take to take the deposit over the phone, but were making a huge issue out of refunding the money back to me over the phone.  “You have to come in to get it back on your card.”   Working an odd shift and living 30 miles away from the dealership does not allow me that luxury, sorry.  After playing phone tag for 4 days, I finally had enough and put in a dispute with my bank.  I received the money back.  Jerks.  Avoid Wyoming Valley Motors like the plague, if you can.

 

I still enjoy the car.  The only thing I’m (slightly) upset about is the fact that I was not told that the sunroof in the Fiat was not “a power sunroof”.  Basically, I have a large window in my roof that doesn’t move.  The gas MPG on it is exactly the same as the Versa, thankfully.

 

Also, another update.  Remember that big accident that happened right near my house?  They cut down the large pine tree that the car crashed into.  The unfortunate thing is now I have a direct view into the trailer park.

 

 

The word on the street in Sweet Valley is that the kid that crashed into the tree has life altering injuries.  My husband said that he noticed a change collection container in a local business that made mention of injuries to his brain stem.  A quick search of Google makes me sad to think that this could have all been avoided if he wasn’t speeding.

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Biggest Harriet Carter WTFs

By M Davies   /     Jul 15, 2012  /     Hilarity, The WTF File  /     2 Comments

Someone sick person in my extended family thinks its fun to sign me up for catalogs in their spare time.  I’m not sure who exactly it is, but I have a pretty good idea.  Well, I’m pretty sure it’s my family anyway.  It could be an angry neighbor who enjoys watching me flip out when I open my mailbox.  Make no mistake about it, when I find out who the perpetrator is, they will be signed up for every catalog known to man and subscribed to the Nickelback email list to boot.

 

Some of the catalogs I have recently received include:

 

  • Allergic Living
  • Finger Hut (the equivalent of layaway, but in catalog form)
  • Lands End
  • Collections Etc.
  • One Step Ahead (I don’t plan on having any more babies, thankyouverymuch!)
  • Cabellas
  • The Pyramid Collection
  • Oriental Trading
  • Quadratec
  • Crutchfield
  • Harriet Carter

 

I’m sure there are more that I’m missing, but I usually burn them or toss them in the trash as soon as I receive them.  I rarely (if ever) order from catalogs.  I do not trust blindly ordering clothes or shoes without trying them on first and if I wanted to order anything bad enough, I’d go online.  Getting 2-3 catalogs a week gets old really fast and seems wasteful.

 

After arriving home from work on Saturday morning, I walked to the end of my road to get the mail and of course there was a wonderful catalog waiting for me.  <sarcasm>  Yay!  </sarcasm>  Harriet Carter “wanted me to get a first look at her new and exciting gift possibilities”.  Her words, not mine.  Ok, I’ll play along.  It had been a while since I received a Harriet Carter catalog anyway.  I thought she lost my scent when I moved from Hanover Township to Sweet Valley and stopped sending the catalogs, but I was wrong.  That bitch has us all microchipped.

 

Before I go any further, I have to ask, WHO BUYS THIS JUNK?  You can buy any of this crap in your local Wal-Mart or in the “As Seen On TV” section of Boscovs, so why would you buy it from a catalog?  I wouldn’t buy it from here, I would not buy from there.  I would not buy this junk from anywhere, Sam I Am.

 

Harriet Carter is a pervert.  This much I can tell you.  She likes big butts and she cannot lie, you other catalog shoppers can’t deny.  How do I know?  See below.  Side note:  Why do they both have to break wind?  I have enough hot air flying around in my house, I don’t need any more.

 

       

 

Looking at plastic asses is considered a sin in God’s eyes.  Lucky for us, Harriet Carter has already thought about this.  All God fearing Christians can repent their sins by purchasing the below books and reading a few scriptures.

 

    

 

Because I suspect you are classier than the average catalog shopper, you’ll want to protect your Bible book assets.  Might I recommend a personalized leather carrying case?  Not just any leather…GENUINE LEATHER.  That makes all of the difference.  Your initials can be engraved right on the front.

 

 

So you are an avid reader, huh?  I recommend these choice selections.  They would make a wonderful addition to your home library.

 

    

 

You are going to need to read the Secrets of People Who Never Get Sick before the Biggest Ever Bathroom Reader because you’ll find that the people who never get sick are the ones that don’t read in the bathroom.

 

Also, for those technology challenged people….

 

 

If you need a 400 page book to tell you how to operate a computer, you probably should just probably just quit while you are ahead.  This thing will confuse you more then help.  The best way to learn a computer is by trial and error hands-on, NOT by reading a book.

 

 

My brain asplode.  Is not the point of typing on a keyboard to do it without looking?  HARRIET CARTER, YOU ARE AN ENABLER!

 

 

Harriet Carter must be a mind reader because I was just thinking to myself the other day “Self, I really have the need for a pocket notepad with pen included.  No, I don’t want to go to the dollar or grocery store to get it either.  Screw modern convenience, I can wait the 4-6 weeks to get one in the mail!  Bonus:  $7.98 is a steal and I can get it in pink.”

 

 

I cannot wait until the Urine Gone people come out with “Blood Stain Gone!” (Muderers Edition) and “Vomit Gone!” (Anorexic Edition).  Hell, while they are at at it, maybe they can also come up with “Stupid Person Gone!”, “Extended Family Holiday Dinner Earplugs!” and “Nickelback Music Video Eyebleach!” as well.

 

 

Who hasn’t wanted to talk around in the nude from the waist down in plain sight of neighbors?  Well NOW YOU CAN with this handy dandy privacy net.

 

 

Too cheap to afford a screen door?  WE HAVE THE SOLUTION FOR YOU.  Just duct tape this chicken wire to the outside of your trailer door, and you can keep the bugs out of your living room/bedroom/kitchen.  Note:  Marisa Burke 1980s doppelganger not included.

 

 

Chicken wire too white-trashy for you?  You must know good taste when you see it.  Turn your living room/bedroom/kitchen into an oasis with this life size fake scenery blanket.  If you hang it up at just the right angle, you’ll forget all about Cletus and BillyBob using your backyard for a makeshift shooting range.

 

     

 

For those that are too lazy to shower daily, never heard of a Q-Tip, and are too oblivious to care about how stupid they look.

 

 

VCRs take up so much room, and you know me and my VHS tapes.  I can’t get enough of them.  When I seen this picture, I had to hop on the opportunity to buy one.  I just wish they made a model that would fit my Laserdisc reader, VHS rewinder and Betamax all in one unit.  DVDs, schmeevds. Although it isn’t mentioned, I secretly hope that TV comes with the stand.

 

 

In the rare occassion that I eat a hot dog (read:  never), I like to imagine that I’m not eating a hot dog.  Everything but the kitchen sink is in one which grosses me the hell out.  I don’t need a hot dog slicer in the shape of a dog to remind me that there may be dog in this mystery meat too.

 

 

Feeling down on your luck?  A lucky lotto scratcher may just be what the doctor ordered.  Now you can piss your life savings away buying scratch off lotto tickets without getting those annoying silver flecks all over your hands.

 

One thing is for sure folks, the people who buy from the Harriet Carter catalog are very paranoid about security, and who can blame them?  When buying a load of invaluable junk, you’ll want to secure it.  You wouldn’t want your jealous friends trying to steal it away.  I recommend these two items to help you out.

 

    

 

Incidentally, if I suspect that you are shopping from the Harriet Carter catalog, I’m going to check to see if the camera is real before looting your closet.

 

Seriously.  If you buy this crap, we can’t be friends.  Any more.

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