The Squirrel Bastard

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Love Letters v2.0

By M Davies   /     Jun 13, 2009  /     Annoyances, I hate my neighbors, NEPA, The Squirrel Bastard  /     1 Comment

Dear Walmart in W-Barre,

What the hell? Seriously. Isn't it enough I already conceded to going to your store vs. Target or Kmart or anywhere else where I'd have an ounce of dignity left? Now I have to deal with your crappy remodeling? Dog food where the diapers used to be? WTF! Not cool. Not cool at all.


Dear scumbag neighbors in Lee Park,

Fuck you. That is all. I am aware that YOU are the ones that are calling the Hanover Township Code Enforcement Officers on us. Have fun trying to collect that payoff you were expecting on the "Cash for Kids scam lawsuit". I'm sure your welfare check will cover your lawyer expenses until you get your payoff. If you kept your legs together this wouldn't have been an issue.

 

Dear tourists camping in Ricketts Glen,

Stop getting into accidents on 415 and 118.

 

Dear Detroit Red Wings Fans,

Booing? Really? You all suck. Pittsburgh was the better team and you know it. Its too bad none of your fans will be able to afford tickets to games next year as half of your fans work for GM or Chrysler.


Dear Squirrel.

STOP EATING THE BIRD FOOD OUT OF THE FEEDER.  The next purchase I make will be for a bb gun and bb's.  YOUR ASS IS MINE!!!!!

 

I'll try being nicer, if you try being smarter.

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F*ing Squirrel

By M Davies   /     Nov 21, 2007  /     The Squirrel Bastard  /     1 Comment

This is what I saw when I left the house yesterday morning to take Gabrielle to daycare. 

You can’t really see it to well based on the picture, but when I looked into the flower pot, there was at least a 6-7 inch deep hole. 

Needless to say my day went down hill from that point.  I purchased a bottle of “Deer Off” spray repellent at Lowes yesterday and soaked all four of my plants out front.  (Despite the name — it works on creatures other than deer.) Then I had to sweep up the mess — in the pouring rain.  We’ll see how well this works.  All I am going to say is, for 18 dollars, it better fucking work.  So far, this morning there hasn’t been anything dug up….I’ll keep you posted.

Squirrels.  Kill them.  Kill them all.

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The squirrel from hell

By M Davies   /     Oct 25, 2007  /     The Myspace Blog File, The Squirrel Bastard  /     0 Comment

A few weeks ago I ripped out all of my summer flowers that were dying off and replaced them with fall flowers — mainly mums.  As I was digging out the roots and planting the new flowers I came across some weird stuff burried in my potted flowers. 

  • 1 rotten plum
  • 1 peach pit
  • Half a dozen or so cigarette butts (Why would a squirrel think these are food???)
  • A corner of a stale, green partially eaten bagel (EW!)

I really didn’t think anything of it at the time until a few days later there was a huge pile of dirt on my porch.  Then I seen it….a frigging squirrel.  That little bastard has been digging in my potted plants and burrying shit for winter.  Grrrr.  I am like Mr. Fucking Wilson from Dennis the Mennis (Think:  GET OFF MY LAWN YA DAMN KIDS!) when it comes to my landscaping/flowers/garden.  I want it to look perfect and this animal is a thorn in my side.  I pretty much found all of his burried treasures and disposed of them and I thought I had the problem licked.  Wrong.  There was a huge pile of dirt on my porch this morning and I didn’t have the time or patience to sweep it up. 

Does anyone have any HUMANE suggestions how to keep this squirrel from destroying my landscaping?  I was thinking poison fruit, but I don’t want PETA after me.  (Btw – my cousin has a bumper sticker that says PETA “people eating tasty animals”.  that still cracks me up when I think about it) 

Its supposed to rain again tomorrow into Saturday.  The local weathermen say it won’t flood, however…they have not seen the condition of the storm drains in South Wilkes-Barre so I beg to differ. 

Its Thursday, one more day until Friday!  Clean your damn storm drains and give me some decent tips to erradicate this pest with a bushy tail.

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