I’ve had a lot of time to think about things lately. So I decided at the ripe age of 37 (even though I still get carded for beer, voting and lottery tickets) I would sit and very specifically write out my will. DO NOT TAKE THIS AS ANYTHING OTHER THAN WHAT IT MEANS. I am not killing myself. I am not killing anyone else. Just know that if SOMETHING should HAPPEN, I would like my wishes carried out in a very specific manner.
I, Michelle (not for much longer) Davies, in sound mind and body solemny declare that I wish my private information to only be shared with the following persons otherwise known as the “A-List”:
- My Lawyers (I now have 4)
- My Mother, Father, Brother
- My next of kin (both children)
- Doctors, dentists, and other various care providers
- The following A-List of friends: Adina Klass-Lamana, Kim Prisco, Rachel Farrow, Rustin Richtarik, Jamie Sutor and Lovinger, Chuckles McHale, Walt Francis, Mark “Duke from Dallas” Barrett, Karla Porter, Mandy Boyle, Colleen Joyce, Amy Brodrick, Heather Hospodar, James O’Meara Sr. Andy Palumbo, Harold Jenkins, Tom “da bomb” Harrison
- The following family members (if not already mentioned above): Vinelle, Jeff, Jeffrey and Emily (Eli) Johnson, Susan, Larry, Brian and Christian Watkins, Vincent and Eleanor Miskewicz and of any EXTENDED family on the Johnson, Pivinski, Miskewicz or Hryvniak sides of the family. BASICALLY ANYONE WITHOUT THE LAST NAME OF DAVIES.
I also further instruct that the following information NOT to be shared with the above people unless medically necessary: terminal illness status.
I hereby declare the following wishes, because goddamnit, I am a ray of fucking sunshine genie granting wishes —
I wish to be resuscitated. I wish to be hooked up to a ventilator and an artificial/nutritional/hydration machine when needed. If it becomes medically necessary to be taken of said machines due to brain damage, Please grant the following wishes:
- Power of Attorney to be placed with my parents ONLY or eldest next of kin — Gabrielle Paige Davies. All possessions and moneys to be split equally among the parties AND ONLY THOSE PARTIES. All outstanding debts will be deducted from the amount of selling the house, any retirement (401k) and money in accounts.
- If possible, I wish to be buried in St. Mary’s cemetery next to my great-grandparents. My tombstone shall read: Michelle Ann Hryvniak (line 1) 12/31/1980 – MM/DD/YYYY (line 2). There shall be a flat circular marble stone placed next to the grave for those who wish to dance upon it. Have fun, losers!
- If at all possible, please use SJ Grontkowski for the monument and headstones. Use SS Peter and Paul in Plymouth for the burial services.
- I wish to have on my wedding dress (after being dyed black, obviously) in the coffin purchased from SJ Grontkowski.
- Everyone who attends my funeral is to wear white clothing.
- I want red roses. Do not force those terrible carnations on my corpse.
- After the service is over, please play “Ding Dong the Witch is Dead” from the Wizard of Oz.
- Make sure I’m wearing ruby reddish slippers or high heels (flip flops count too) in the coffin.
- If my soon-to-be ex husband shows up at the funeral or services, please let him be awarded with specifically 2 cents (pennies – one from 2006 and 2004). After he walks out pissed off, which he most certainly will, make sure someone has “Rozes” by the Chainsmokers loaded in their phone ready to play. Consider this his “box walk.”
The after party can be at whatever the nearest bar is. Do a toast in my honor and celebrate my life and not my death. We have had many fun memories together, lets not ruin the fun with tears. You only get one life. Live it to the fullest.
As far as my obit is concerned, feel free to use any of this will and testament in it. I wish to have my obit placed in the following newspapers:
- WB CV
- WB TL
- Pburgh Post Gazette
- Pocono Record
- The Journal of the Pocono Plateau (plateau though, seriously? LOL)
- The Butler Eagle
Passwords to my social media accounts can be found on my laptop. I wish to additionally have my death announced on those sites as well. I designate my brother, Russell Vincent Hryvnak, to take this responsibility as well as monitor the accounts for any hacking that my soon-to-be ex-husband tries to pull off. I designate this blog to be updated and maintained by my dear friend Harold Jenkins.
Should childcare be necessary before Gabrielle and Owen turn 18, I designate this responsibility to my parents. If they are not alive to assume responsibility, I designate custody to Jeff and Vinelle Johnson or Vince and Eleanor Miskewicz. Something tells me the two of them will be ABSOLUTELY fine regardless.
Lastly, should any vehicles be left in my possession, please do keep them for my children. One for each of them, hopefully.
THAAAAAAAAAAT’S ALL FOLKS!
Michelle ‘formerly’ Davies aka Hryvniak
Signed on 06/09/18
(…which was my 14th wedding anniversary, to which I was 302’d thanks to my loving soon-to-be ex-husband)
PS – It’s being notarized as we speak.