Someone sick person in my extended family thinks its fun to sign me up for catalogs in their spare time. I’m not sure who exactly it is, but I have a pretty good idea. Well, I’m pretty sure it’s my family anyway. It could be an angry neighbor who enjoys watching me flip out when I open my mailbox. Make no mistake about it, when I find out who the perpetrator is, they will be signed up for every catalog known to man and subscribed to the Nickelback email list to boot.
Some of the catalogs I have recently received include:
- Allergic Living
- Finger Hut (the equivalent of layaway, but in catalog form)
- Lands End
- Collections Etc.
- One Step Ahead (I don’t plan on having any more babies, thankyouverymuch!)
- The Pyramid Collection
- Oriental Trading
- Harriet Carter
I’m sure there are more that I’m missing, but I usually burn them or toss them in the trash as soon as I receive them. I rarely (if ever) order from catalogs. I do not trust blindly ordering clothes or shoes without trying them on first and if I wanted to order anything bad enough, I’d go online. Getting 2-3 catalogs a week gets old really fast and seems wasteful.
After arriving home from work on Saturday morning, I walked to the end of my road to get the mail and of course there was a wonderful catalog waiting for me. <sarcasm> Yay! </sarcasm> Harriet Carter “wanted me to get a first look at her new and exciting gift possibilities”. Her words, not mine. Ok, I’ll play along. It had been a while since I received a Harriet Carter catalog anyway. I thought she lost my scent when I moved from Hanover Township to Sweet Valley and stopped sending the catalogs, but I was wrong. That bitch has us all microchipped.
Before I go any further, I have to ask, WHO BUYS THIS JUNK? You can buy any of this crap in your local Wal-Mart or in the “As Seen On TV” section of Boscovs, so why would you buy it from a catalog? I wouldn’t buy it from here, I would not buy from there. I would not buy this junk from anywhere, Sam I Am.
Harriet Carter is a pervert. This much I can tell you. She likes big butts and she cannot lie, you other catalog shoppers can’t deny. How do I know? See below. Side note: Why do they both have to break wind? I have enough hot air flying around in my house, I don’t need any more.
Looking at plastic asses is considered a sin in God’s eyes. Lucky for us, Harriet Carter has already thought about this. All God fearing Christians can repent their sins by purchasing the below books and reading a few scriptures.
Because I suspect you are classier than the average catalog shopper, you’ll want to protect your Bible book assets. Might I recommend a personalized leather carrying case? Not just any leather…GENUINE LEATHER. That makes all of the difference. Your initials can be engraved right on the front.
So you are an avid reader, huh? I recommend these choice selections. They would make a wonderful addition to your home library.
You are going to need to read the Secrets of People Who Never Get Sick before the Biggest Ever Bathroom Reader because you’ll find that the people who never get sick are the ones that don’t read in the bathroom.
Also, for those technology challenged people….
If you need a 400 page book to tell you how to operate a computer, you probably should just probably just quit while you are ahead. This thing will confuse you more then help. The best way to learn a computer is by trial and error hands-on, NOT by reading a book.
My brain asplode. Is not the point of typing on a keyboard to do it without looking? HARRIET CARTER, YOU ARE AN ENABLER!
Harriet Carter must be a mind reader because I was just thinking to myself the other day “Self, I really have the need for a pocket notepad with pen included. No, I don’t want to go to the dollar or grocery store to get it either. Screw modern convenience, I can wait the 4-6 weeks to get one in the mail! Bonus: $7.98 is a steal and I can get it in pink.”
I cannot wait until the Urine Gone people come out with “Blood Stain Gone!” (Muderers Edition) and “Vomit Gone!” (Anorexic Edition). Hell, while they are at at it, maybe they can also come up with “Stupid Person Gone!”, “Extended Family Holiday Dinner Earplugs!” and “Nickelback Music Video Eyebleach!” as well.
Who hasn’t wanted to talk around in the nude from the waist down in plain sight of neighbors? Well NOW YOU CAN with this handy dandy privacy net.
Too cheap to afford a screen door? WE HAVE THE SOLUTION FOR YOU. Just duct tape this chicken wire to the outside of your trailer door, and you can keep the bugs out of your living room/bedroom/kitchen. Note: Marisa Burke 1980s doppelganger not included.
Chicken wire too white-trashy for you? You must know good taste when you see it. Turn your living room/bedroom/kitchen into an oasis with this life size fake scenery blanket. If you hang it up at just the right angle, you’ll forget all about Cletus and BillyBob using your backyard for a makeshift shooting range.
For those that are too lazy to shower daily, never heard of a Q-Tip, and are too oblivious to care about how stupid they look.
VCRs take up so much room, and you know me and my VHS tapes. I can’t get enough of them. When I seen this picture, I had to hop on the opportunity to buy one. I just wish they made a model that would fit my Laserdisc reader, VHS rewinder and Betamax all in one unit. DVDs, schmeevds. Although it isn’t mentioned, I secretly hope that TV comes with the stand.
In the rare occassion that I eat a hot dog (read: never), I like to imagine that I’m not eating a hot dog. Everything but the kitchen sink is in one which grosses me the hell out. I don’t need a hot dog slicer in the shape of a dog to remind me that there may be dog in this mystery meat too.
Feeling down on your luck? A lucky lotto scratcher may just be what the doctor ordered. Now you can piss your life savings away buying scratch off lotto tickets without getting those annoying silver flecks all over your hands.
One thing is for sure folks, the people who buy from the Harriet Carter catalog are very paranoid about security, and who can blame them? When buying a load of invaluable junk, you’ll want to secure it. You wouldn’t want your jealous friends trying to steal it away. I recommend these two items to help you out.
Incidentally, if I suspect that you are shopping from the Harriet Carter catalog, I’m going to check to see if the camera is real before looting your closet.
Seriously. If you buy this crap, we can’t be friends. Any more.