My daughter brought home a project for school last week called "Flat Stanley". She was given a 5 inch 2d laminated paper man and was to take her picture with him in various places and chronicle her adventures in a journal. It looks like several of the other students in her class already had completed the project by flipping through the book. Flat Stanley had been ice skating, at a chicken farm and in the baby ward of a local hospital before he got here. Before I go any further, here's a picture of Flat Stanley:
My first impression of him was favorable, however, I was a little puzzled by his fashion choices. I mean stripes and polka dots? That's a big fashion no-no. At least he wasn't wearing socks with sandals.
The first morning that Flat Stanley was with us, it was clear that he was not a good influence on young children. How do I know this? Well, lets just say I found out the hard way that Flat Stanley was a player. He was seen macking on Kim Karsashian Barbie and Ariel that morning.
When I lectured Flat Stanley about his philandering ways, he threatened to commit suicide by jumping from my car's visor. Luckily, I was able to talk him down from the ledge. In case you are wondering why I took the photo of the suicide attempt, it was to protect me. I didn't trust that he wouldn't have told people I tried to push him had he survived.
After Flat Stanley calmed down, I agreed that I'd take him to work and school that night to keep him out of trouble. He made friends with the Travelocity stress gnome at my desk.
After arriving home at 9pm that night, I was exhausted and went right to bed. I was half way into my dream that included a bottle of champaign, a jacuzzi and Brad Pitt, when I was woken out of a dead sleep by my ringing telephone. It was Flat Stanley. He was in jail and needed to be bailed out. I was his one phone call. Good thing I answered! Sure enough, at 4am, I had to drive down to LCCF and bail this fashion challenged shiny man out of jail. Apparently, he violated the restraining order that Kim Kardashian Barbie put into effect earlier in the day.
When I texted this picture to my cousin, his response was "Since he's flat, you'd think he would figure out that he can fit between the bars. I don't think Stan is the sharpest knife int he drawer."
We all had an exhausting and stressful day, so Flat Stanley decided to chill out with a few drinks at home after work.
I think he got a bit carried away for a Wednesday night, when he drank through a six pack and wanted to go out and get more. Flat Stanley caused a pile up on the Cross Valley. He decided to "borrow" Barbie's car for the evening. Come to find out he's driving with a suspended license and is uninsured. Not to mention he wasn't wearing a seatbelt. I'm not sure how he made it out of this incident without getting arrested. I think he paid off a cop.
One of my Facebook friends sent me a message saying they spotted Flat Stanley on a poster in the Dallas Shopping center. Check it out! This Flat bastard is a bigger celebrity than I am! At least he cleaned up his image and put on some matching clothes for this picture.
Not only did Flat Stanley's secret celebrity status shock me, but also allowed him to be invited to the funeral of one of the most beloved singers of all time, Whitney Houston. He decided to stay out of shenanigans on Saturday to attend the somber event. I even spotted him on TV!
As most of the tacky celebrities did, Flat Stanley live tweeted from the funeral. Once I texted this picture to him, he posted it on Twitter, and caught the attention of the local media. They were chomping at the bits to interview someone local with a connection to Whitney Houston. A few hours later, the local news media showed up at the door looking for an interview. I really think that the camera subtracts a few feet from Andy Mehalshick when he's seen on TV. Oh well, I guess this will even out once WBRE converts to HD news casts in April.
There was a news story that the local strip joint was robbed on Sunday morning, Flat Stanley assured me that he had an alibi during the time it happened, however, I'm not so sure if I should believe him.
(BTW – This is supposed to be a picture with a crappily drawn money bag….an artist, I am not)
Flat Stanley went out to meet up with some of his other 2d buddies to play 2d call of duty. I expected he would be rolling in before 11pm, as it was a Sunday night, and I had to be up for work the next morning, but he never came home. I happened to go to the Casino 2 days this week to arrange a dinner for some of my visiting co-workers, and look who I found! My friend Duffy (not the one on Rock 107) labeled this photo best, "Flat Broke Stanley".
That bastard gambled away all of
the money he stole from the strip joint his life savings!
I brought Flat Stanley home with me and made him sleep off his hangover and depression. The next morning he allowed me to take a picture of him at sunrise. It was his last day with us and I wished him well in his future adventures. I hope he gets his life on track soon.
And now for the serious part. I obviously didn't use any of these photos in Gabby's school project. I just thought it would be funny to have a parallel adventure with "Bad Stanley". The "Good Stanley" does appear in my daughter's school journal and on my Flickr photo feed. Hope you enjoyed the (fake) adventure with me!